The sword of the naive knight gets stuck in the pudding of life.
Monday, 24 August 2009
These days you can cut and paste your emails together to form a book. You can be good at football and have people write books for you. You can even get a computer programme to generate prose for you or you can even outsource your writing to China.
Of course those that used the pen were probably saying the same about the typists. Yet there seems to be a sweet spot, an optimum that was the typewriter. No great literature came from scratching on cave walls with a bloody mammoth bone. At the other extreme how can you find the gems when they're covered by the landfill.
To compensate I am expecting some really good movies I hadn't heard of, a win for Norwich City, the publishing world to finally realise my genius and an Indian buffet including fluffy naan breads and chicken shashlik. Yes, I cannot envisage the happiest day of my life not including chicken shashlik because if it didn't how could it be the happiest. I could just have the same day again but this time with chicken shashlik.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
But as soon as I start whingeing I feel like Mr Daily Mail reader outraged becoming grumpy old man and I'm still in my 30s! But of course they, the people making everything worse, would want me to think that. Actually I read the guardian, have a very balanced panorama of the world and have a perfectly normal level of outrage. It's just that award winning eco-buildings only last 10 years, Joanna Lumley is the most powerful force in the country, banks, estate agents, I can't open the coffee packet like it says I should, Tichtmarsh...
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Monday, 11 May 2009
Leave your favourite pens in the stationers and buy them back
I've taken all the apples off my apple tree and left them on the shelves in Tesco
Adjust the interest rates offered by banks by putting your "12%" signs in their windows
Take a photo of a house you like and put it in an estate agents window
Drive to your local dealership and ask how much for your own car
On the bus time-table write in the time that the bus actually comes
Thursday, 19 March 2009
As you can see, with the nuclear power option the end is postponed for a generation or two as we move away from oil power and climate change accelerates less fast. However once the end does come, and the reactors fail then the whole thing goes down.
With the non-nuclear option the world end's "not with a bang but a whimper," although the end comes a little sooner.
Our chances seem slim. It's not the time for the safe options of wind farms and "Oh my God you want a PLASTIC BAG!". It's the time for wild gambling. Our chances seem much better if we adopt the nuclear programme in the short term and see if we can sort it all out in the extension we get.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
This thesis is now proven since he has recently completely revised his transfer policy and spent £15m on a man called ARShavin just because of the first 3 letters of his name. This morning it is reported he has locked himself in his office and given the day over to giggling to himself.
It's no surprise that he chose football for his silliness, though, since the only other options for him involved arson, arsenic and arses.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Monday, 22 December 2008
If I am God (creator of universes = writer) then I should probably be amused at the thought of mortals paying me and show it off to my other God mates.
If I am to be a canonical author then I should probably save it for the "Museum of Gordon" along with my nail clippings and the best of my ear wax collection.
If I am to be a minor author/amateur scribbler then I should probably cash it.
Overall I'm going to interpolate status as somewhere between God and bum and cash it.
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Now books too are made optimally cheap by following the work flow:
chinese sweatshop -> google translate -> celebrity endorsement -> supermarket shelves
However, as the world's economy is turned upside down, I predict we'll soon be writing our own books for suddenly unemployed celebrities to translate and flog in Chinese street markets.
You will be able to get it at http://www.riptidejournal.co.uk/
I'm reading it at the launch party on 5th December at Exeter University.
Hard Work * Talent = Published
Or rearranging this we have
Published/Hard Work = Talent
Published is currently a low constant and so, to maximise my talent I have decided to minimise my hard work.
Have you gone mad, Gordon? No. It's called "Life in the UK Test" and is compulsory for foreign wives wanting a settlement visa. I think the idea is that anyone settling in this country should be capable game show contestants. Britain is currently on top of the world league in pub quizzes about Britain and TV games shows. The phone-in competitions on TV are almost always answered correctly and there are fears that, of not for the "Life in the UK Test" immigrants will be ringing in wrong answers and not winning tickets to "The Lion King".
What is actually true is that the whole quiz thing is going to be expanded across all of society. By linking the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" format to the benefits data-base, the GCSE, the university degree system, and the "Life in the UK Test" the government hopes to create a meritocracy that rewards people on the basis of their knowledge. Thus to get your income support you might have to answer simple questions such as "When was the coronation?" but to get paid really well you would be asked, "What are the 5 main alternatives to coronary bypass?" or just really useful questions like, "Where did I put my keys?"
How about if we were rewarded for how little we wrote? Writing grants seem to suffer from a fundamental problem. You can fund a writer to write his weird book about llamas wearing hats but it doesn't mean anyone will read it. It's not like funding art that people will see. What use are books unread? The solution is not to encourage writers but to discourage bad writers. The next time some dullard celebrity inflicts his memoirs the funding bodies should pay off the publishers and have them burn the manuscripts or make sure that each one has at least 10 pages of proper writing.